Tier 4

rlg - Relationship Goals

Relationship Goals

Input: $ARGUMENTS

Overview

Relationship goals are uniquely difficult because they involve other autonomous people whose behavior you don’t control. This procedure focuses on what you CAN do: clarify what you actually want, assess honestly where things stand, identify what’s in your control, and plan actions that improve the relationship without trying to control the other person.

Steps

Step 1: Clarify What You Want

  1. State the relationship goal
  2. What kind of relationship is this? (romantic, family, friend, professional, community)
  3. What does the desired state look like specifically?
    • Not “a better relationship” — what does “better” mean concretely?
    • What behaviors would you see? What would interactions feel like?
  4. Is this goal about: starting, improving, repairing, maintaining, or ending?
  5. → INVOKE: /ve [relationship goal] to check if you’re pursuing what you actually value

Step 2: Assess Current State Honestly

  1. Where is the relationship right now? (be specific, not vague)
  2. What’s working well? (don’t skip this — it matters)
  3. What’s not working?
  4. How does the other person likely see the relationship? (perspective-taking, not mind-reading)
  5. What has been tried before to improve things? What happened?
  6. Are there dealbreakers or non-negotiables on either side?

Step 3: Identify the Gap

  1. Difference between current state and desired state
  2. Which gaps are about YOUR behavior/contribution?
  3. Which gaps require the other person to change?
  4. Which gaps are structural? (distance, circumstances, incompatibility)
  5. Be honest: if the other person doesn’t change, is the desired state still achievable?

Step 4: Focus on What You Control

  1. Your communication (clarity, frequency, honesty, kindness)
  2. Your behavior (reliability, presence, effort, boundaries)
  3. Your expectations (realistic vs idealized)
  4. Your investment (time, energy, emotional availability)
  5. Your boundaries (what you accept and don’t)

What you DON’T control:

  • Other person’s feelings, decisions, priorities, behavior, growth timeline

Step 5: Plan Actions

For each controllable factor:

  1. What specific action can you take?
  2. What would you start doing, stop doing, or do differently?
  3. How will you know if it’s working? (observable signals, not mind-reading)
  4. What’s a reasonable timeframe to see change?
  5. What if it doesn’t work? (escalate, accept, or exit?)

Step 6: Set Boundaries and Expectations

  1. What’s the minimum acceptable state? (below this, action required)
  2. What would make you exit/reduce investment?
  3. How long will you invest before reassessing?
  4. Are your expectations realistic given who the other person is (not who you wish they were)?
RELATIONSHIP ASSESSMENT:
Goal: [desired relationship state]
Type: [romantic/family/friend/professional]
Current state: [honest assessment]
Gap: [specific differences]

In your control:
1. [action you can take]
2. [action you can take]

Requires other person:
1. [what needs to change from their side]

Plan:
- Start: [new behaviors]
- Stop: [current behaviors to drop]
- Timeline: [reassessment point]
- Minimum acceptable: [boundary]

When to Use

  • Wanting to improve a relationship
  • Navigating relationship conflict
  • Deciding whether to invest or exit
  • Starting new relationships intentionally

Verification

  • Desired state defined specifically (not vaguely)
  • Current state assessed honestly
  • Controllable factors separated from uncontrollable
  • Actions focused on YOUR behavior
  • Realistic expectations set
  • Boundaries and timeline defined